It’s so strange having people messaging me paragraphs of compliments, calling me an inspiration, thanking me for speaking out. It makes me kind of sad that they have to thank me. I wish everyone could just feel okay with change. Ironically though, I’ve never been good with change. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m dealing with my current change because I have to, because I want to make a difference or because I really am okay with it.
I tell myself I’m okay on a daily basis. I tell all you guys I’m fine and I blog about strength, embracing your body and being proud of what we’re fighting against. You see, all of that is truth. It’s how I feel and it’s what I really do believe in. I currently feel shadowed with guilt for having such negative emotions right now. I’m worried you’ll think I’m denying you the truth of what’s inside my head, but I’m honestly not. I do feel the benefits of what this experience has bought me and I do feel proud of each and every one of us. I really am trying.
I just can’t shake this single sense of loneliness. No matter how much I blog about it, no matter how many people I speak to online, it still dawns on me that I don’t know anybody personally in the same situation. Nobody can sit with me and just hug me and tell me I’ll be okay, like they’ve experienced what I have, like they know how I feel completely; like they know what to say and what to make me think to make it all just become my normality.
Everyone’s telling me I’m doing so well; what with me being in the early stages and all. But what if I’m not doing well? What if I’ve just tried so hard to block out every other emotion, that I’ve become numb to how I’m really feeling? What if one day all of these emotions just comes crashing down on me at once and I don’t know how to deal with it? What if I haven’t given myself time to grieve part of my body? If I suddenly contradict everything I’ve said and become this big mess of a person? What if I’m not okay? What if?
I’m just scared. And sad. And trying. I really am trying.