I’m Scared, Sad, but Trying. I really am trying.

It’s so strange having people messaging me paragraphs of compliments, calling me an inspiration, thanking me for speaking out. It makes me kind of sad that they have to thank me. I wish everyone could just feel okay with change. Ironically though, I’ve never been good with change. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m dealing with my current change because I have to, because I want to make a difference or because I really am okay with it.

I tell myself I’m okay on a daily basis. I tell all you guys I’m fine and I blog about strength, embracing your body and being proud of what we’re fighting against. You see, all of that is truth. It’s how I feel and it’s what I really do believe in. I currently feel shadowed with guilt for having such negative emotions right now. I’m worried you’ll think I’m denying you the truth of what’s inside my head, but I’m honestly not. I do feel the benefits of what this experience has bought me and I do feel proud of each and every one of us. I really am trying.

I just can’t shake this single sense of loneliness. No matter how much I blog about it, no matter how many people I speak to online, it still dawns on me that I don’t know anybody personally in the same situation. Nobody can sit with me and just hug me and tell me I’ll be okay, like they’ve experienced what I have, like they know how I feel completely; like they know what to say and what to make me think to make it all just become my normality.

Everyone’s telling me I’m doing so well; what with me being in the early stages and all. But what if I’m not doing well? What if I’ve just tried so hard to block out every other emotion, that I’ve become numb to how I’m really feeling? What if one day all of these emotions just comes crashing down on me at once and I don’t know how to deal with it? What if I haven’t given myself time to grieve part of my body? If I suddenly contradict everything I’ve said and become this big mess of a person? What if I’m not okay? What if?

I’m just scared. And sad. And trying. I really am trying.

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4 thoughts on “I’m Scared, Sad, but Trying. I really am trying.

  1. Dan says:

    I have colotis and my biggest fear is what you are going through right now.

    But

    My mother had colitis as well, she had a bag fitted in her late twentie. She went on to have me about 5 years later, she reached all her goals, she got a degree, she took all 3 of her kids across America in a 6 week holiday. She never allowed it to effect, I’m sure emotionally it must of been horrific.

    Apologies if this is well written, I’m in a iphone. I just wanted to say that someone else has been through what you are and had such a fantastic life and 3 children who are so proud of her.

    Hopefully people have spoke to you about the change curve and how you will feel. I have no advice for you just to keep going it will get better.

    Chin up.

    Like

  2. Beth Cheney says:

    im friends with Lorna gaskin! Wanted to say how amazing you are to cope as well as you have! I know what you are going through as I’m going through it myself! You are handling everything so well and a 100 times better than I ever did and still do! You truely are and inspiration and I for one after going through pretty much the same will try handle it the was you do!!

    I did send you a message on Facebook but I think it would of gone into other! I do hope to hear from you and just want you too know that I’m here to talk about anything if you need someone a stranger to chat too!
    All the best!
    Beth Cheney!

    Like

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