3 double rum and cokes, 3 double vodka red bulls, 2 shots of something rather peculiar and a Jägerbomb, I’m here tucked up in bed next to my best friend with a coffee, surrounded by random slices of bread and butter and 7 packets of crisps, and I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk.
I was determined I wasn’t going out last night. I had nothing to wear to hide my bag, I had been to Thorpe Park the day before so was physically exhausted, and to be honest I was just worried about people’s reactions in case something embarrassing happened. I spent ages worrying and telling my friend I wasn’t going out, until something inside of me said “fuck it” and I went and searched through my sisters wardrobe for some clothes. I had a little bit of a crisis as she didn’t own anything baggy. And then something else made me repeat said “fuck it” and I picked out a tight skirt and heels. ‘What if my bag blows up?’ I panicked, convinced this outfit would lead to disaster, but I ended up walking into the bar with it on!
I know it doesn’t look like much, but when you’ve spent the past 6 weeks in loose clothing a tight skirt is a big thing!
After pre-drinking at my friends, we went to a bar to carry on drinking to ease my nerves about going clubbing. It was amazing walking into a place feeling confident, knowing no one would be able to guess I had a bag.
We stumbled into the club around 12am and carried on drinking. I must admit I did have to sit down for a while as I started to feel a little pain, but the pain seems to be mainly around my scarred area where it’s still healing. My friend got a little worried, but I decided we should just do more shots to numb the pain!
I danced my little legs off, and actually ended up falling over and nearly doing the splits in the middle of the dance floor. I tried to make it look like it was purposely done and strutted off in silent shame to get another drink!
We went out to the smoking area a few times, where we met some other girls, they were so lovely and complimented me so much. One turned to me and said I had an amazing figure, such a flat stomach. It was then that I took the opportunity to tell her about my bag, just to see her reaction. She was so shocked, and told me she’d never have guessed.
I met another girl who had actually been reading my blog which was amazing, as she has a family member going through a similar situation. It’s nice to know it’s not a completely isolated subject, and some people do have an understanding of what I have.
I didn’t have any issue with the toilets, my bag didn’t inflate, like I’d feared, as I was only drinking fizzy drinks! The only toilet drama that occurred was me walking into the cubicle door due the fact I was absolutely, positively fucked.
I saw some familiar faces and met some new ones, some knew, some didn’t.. but it didn’t seem to phase anyone. Of course, there was moments when I felt people were staring at me, or pitying me, and I did go into the toilets at one point to have a little, drunk cry. But I decided to man up, and actually shouted at myself, “fuck it, you can do this shit” and stormed out, feeling like Beyonce.
I’m so glad I decided to go out last night, it was so worth the disgusting hangover I’m enduring today. I can’t believe I’ve gone from being in hospital, to going to Thorpe Park, and now out dancing and drinking til 4am in the space of 6 weeks. Even though the last thing I can remember is sobbing my heart out into a tuna and crisp (?!) sandwich at 5am. I am so determined to prove a bag does not have to change anything.
So girls, don’t be worried about a night out. Get your heels on and get on it. Enjoy yourself. And just keep thinking… what can I do next?!
P.S – Sophie, you’re the fucking best.