A Horrible Night Out. It’s Time To Be Honest With You..

It’s 1:30am and I’m in a taxi crying my eyes out after a night out with friends. Well, after somewhat an evening out. I’d planned to stay back at my friends, after the usual night out ended around 4am. But here I was, texting my boyfriend in a state, to meet me outside to give the taxi driver the money.

I’d had a bit to drink and so was a tad more emotional than I normally would have been. But some things got to me so badly last night that all I wanted to was leave, come home, crawl under my duvet and sob myself to sleep.

You see, last night, just like the last time I went out, I had more people approach me about my ileostomy bag. I know what you’re thinking. Well you publicly write about it, what do you expect? But it was different. It wasn’t people addressing my ostomy. Or my blog. The complete focus was on the difference in me. I have been quite confident in myself since the surgery, and I have learned to acknowledge the fact that everybody deals with things differently. But last night, I was sat down, and told by people I didn’t know, that “I shouldn’t let people bully me just because I’m different”. And that the people “judging” me aren’t worth it.

I of course stopped them right there and then and told them I would never let somebody bully me. That my ostomy bag saved me life. And whoever had a problem with it obviously had their own issues to deal with.

But, it also angered me. Whether it was meant in a nice way or not – could I not have just been left alone to enjoy my night? I’m sick and tired of going out in public places with people my age, to be patronized and questioned.

I need to be completely 100% honest with you. Please listen to me when I say this. I do not want anybody’s pity nor sympathy. The best thing anyone can do for me is carry on supporting me by reading and interacting with my blog. My ostomy bag does not define me and I refuse to be the subject of sympathy needed for other people to feel better about themselves. I am not looking for somebody to tell me that other people’s opinions don’t matter. Convincing themselves that any opinion other than my own is a negative one.

11141120_10205520050414033_6234827583001248290_nAfter this conversation ended, I dragged my friend outside with me to just take a breather. I didn’t want it to effect my night. Of course, talking about it with my friend helped. But I did get upset whilst doing so. It’s hard to talk about something that effects you so personally. It’s hard to keep a brave face 24/7 and act like it’s just water off a ducks back. Because it’s not. It’s hard. It’s really hard. What has happened to me could have been completely emotionally, mentally and physically traumatizing. For the first part anyhow. But it hasn’t been. Because I haven’t let it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel low sometimes. That I don’t think about those nights on the ward, crying myself to sleep. Like remembering how much I despised myself at one point doesn’t leave me with panda eyes and a runny nose.

I spoke about all of this with my friend. Because I needed to. And I guess alcohol just gives you complete word vomit and everything you try to keep trapped in and concealed to create this false mask of positivity just disappears and you’re left stuck in this bubble of vulnerability. My friend was very understanding, of course. But even though we’re very close, everything I’d said came as a complete surprise to her. She’d always seen me so much stronger.

It felt like I’d had a little bit of a break through until somebody decided to spoil the moment. By butting in that at my age, I had no idea about life. She laughed at me, and shouted very publicly that “hundred’s of people have ostomy’s” that I should get over it, because “you have no idea what life’s about”.

Completely full of rage, I left the club. I couldn’t do it. I could not bring myself to justify this womans behaviour. Could she not see I was upset? Was she invited to listen in to our very personal conversation? Why did she feel the need to do that? And who the hell is she to tell me after being faced with death and making a positive out of an awful situation, that because I was young, I had no idea about life. I can’t even begin to comprehend her actions. I think it was absolutely disgusting. I am entitled my own emotions. I have every right to feel upset about something that at one point had such a huge effect on me. It should not be compared not dismissed because of my age. This woman was much older than me, and as I left, went on to talk about her life experiences. If she’d experiences awful thing herself then how can she judge others on what they do and do not know?

I would never compare my experience to someone else’s. Because as I’ve said before, everybody deals differently. No matter how many people have experienced the same. Everybody maintains a different mentality. It is not a competition. And your emotions are certainly not determined by the percentage of the population in the same boat as you.

Last night I lost faith in both the older and the younger generation of today. I hope to see more compassion in the world as time goes on. Because that is what life is about. Loving, listening, accepting, embracing, learning and understanding. Living life so sourly is such a waste of the time we’re given. And you never know how long we’re going to get.

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9 thoughts on “A Horrible Night Out. It’s Time To Be Honest With You..

  1. Jan campbell says:

    I feel your pain. I have only had mine since August last year and mentally not coping well at all. I feel like a completely different person, was only at a friends house for a few glasses of wine and a catch up cos I have hardly been over the door and my bag came away from my skin luckily had a spare but I was mortified came home cryed myself to sleep wishing I didn’t wake up x

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  2. Alan says:

    Thanks for being so open and honest. Don’t worry about what others think or say. You are the one that matters. Stay Strong. Your blogs are super. xx

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  3. Sam Cairns says:

    It seriously sucks that people do this to you because you blog! Because you’re honest and willing to lay yourself bare for what ever reason. Your blog is helping people, with and without an ostomy, to understand the reality of it, the day to day living. It is also helping to unmask and remove some of the stigma attached. I have and will pass your website on to anyone I come in contact with (normally through work) that have or may need an ostomy because I feel that your blog helps. Please don’t stop, don’t lose faith in humanity, we’re not all bad. Hold your head high and know that what you’re doing is a great thing! Thank you

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  4. Rebbekah says:

    I don’t know you personally but this blog has made me feel like I’ve known you forever. I am so proud of you and everything you’ve gone through with a brave face. Everyone’s entitled to low moments but you seem to shine through yours with the best mentality. I hope you continue this blod, much love, Rebbekah Lawes xx

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  5. mandy says:

    Hattie i have just read about the stupid woman who ruined your night out. Unfortunately in life you will always come across that one sad individual who i can only say must be jealous, i know you are now thinking, why would she be jealous of me? Well firstly you are young and beautiful and secondly you have gone through more than most young women have gone through and still you are strong and confident and an insperation to us all, PLEASE dont let one sad person take away all you have achieved in yourself she really is not worth it. In June this year i am having my bowel removed because i have bowel cancer, and i will have to always have a ostomy bag. I have been reading your blog because i have found it very hard to except that i will have this ostomy bag for the rest of my life. Alot that you have said has really helped me, and i keep reminding myself when i am feeling very low that if a beautiful 19yr old young woman can be so positive and deal with a ostomy bag, then i need to kick myself up the backside and start learning from you. So Hattie ignore what that sad individual said and carry on with what you are doing because you are helping so many people. x

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  6. Lexy says:

    I agree, I am also saddened by the amount of people playing the comparison game and competitioning peoples struggles. Some people are thoughtless and some are just genuinely horrible.. I try my hardest to not let what people say effect me but there are always some out of hand comments that manage to sneak through your guard when your vulnerable. Respect for your blog.

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  7. Sophie hutchins says:

    I think youre great for sharing your thoughts on your blog and I totally agree that people who recognise you should not make a fuss about it in public. Just because you write a blog doesn’t mean you want everyone pointing it out all the time! I was in asda a couple of weeks ago and a lady said to me ‘oh excuse me your bag is hanging out the bottom of you top’ and i just looked down and went oh yes i know thank you. Im sure she had good intentions but it didnt stop me from feeling bad that a stranger had just basically told me to put it away. Its ok to have a good cry about it all sometimes too. Ive been out of hospital for nearly two years, had my bag for three but I still cry about what ive been through because it was a really bad part of my life. Dont be afraid to let it out x

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  8. Carleana Ferroro says:

    For Christ’s sake just get on with it.
    Your ”woe is me act” is so annoying!
    Newsflash, you’re not the only girl in the world going through this – you’re not any different to the rest! Suck it up!

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  9. Sam Cairns says:

    I wish you didn’t have to go through this shit! You are paving the way for ostomy bags to be more widely accepted and some twat does this! Ffs people leave the girl alone! That little bag had saved her life, opened her eyes to a different way of life and given her more grief than you can imagine (as well as the joy of being here) back the f**k off!

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