I’d say probably one of the most embarrassing things for a lot of people is farting in public. Just imagine, everyone staring around thinking “was that you?”, red faced hoping nobody realises you were the culprit. But, I mean, at least when you have a fully working digestive system, you are able to control it. But when you have an ostomy bag? You can’t. You just can’t. Most of the time I have absolutely no idea when it’s going to happen. And I mean, when I’m at home I can just laugh it off and blame it on the bag. But there have been a number of times when it’s just too damn awkward to talk about it. And these are just a small few of those ever embarrassing, awkward, inconvenient moments that are just too uncomfortable to remind people that flatulence is funny.
1. When in a meeting – I had a meeting with a whole board room of people to discuss my blog contract, and it seems my ileostomy wanted to make it’s own entrance, and managed to make it’s presence extremely clear with a whole load of noise. I did have to apologise beforehand and say “yeah it might do that during this”. All in good humour.
2. When out for dinner – I mistakenly ordered chilli con carne one time when out for dinner with my family. Watching someone run to the toilet holding the whoopie cusion under her clothes every 10 minutes when the toilets were upstairs, through the crowds of other people pleasantly eating their dinner, is not something I’d class as evening entertainment.
3. When wearing tight clothes in public – I mistakenly decided to wear a tight midi skirt on a train journey, forgetting how long I’d be on a train with no toilet. It’s safe to say people were questioning what I was hiding under that skirt.
4. During sex – Normally, intimacy is absolutely fine. But there have been the rare occasions where I’ve had to stop halfway through and say “I’m so sorry but I’ve really got to go and empty my bag” and also apologise for the ridiculous amount of noise it’s deciding to make from being pressed down on too hard. Just imagine standing on a balloon. Yeah.
5. When doing a presentation – I have a presentation to a support group of people, and to be quite honest with you I’m so glad I had a microphone to overshadow the noise it was making! Luckily everyone was in the same boat – so was more than understanding. I’m afraid I wasn’t taken very seriously though!
6. During a driving theory test – Obviously, you have to be silent during your driving theory test, otherwise you’ll be disqualified. It seems my ostomy is a bit of a rule breaker and went all out to make a point. I just hope people were too distracted by their nerves to notice. Although I’m sure it was pretty hard not to.