I went out again for the first time in a while last night with some friends. It was an alright night, but I realised that you’re literally just repeating the same ritual every time you go out.
1. You spend ages getting ready only for your makeup to be ruined at most an hour into the night.
2. And then you’re in and out of the toilet trying to top up the lipstick that keeps being ruined by those plastic cups. But that becomes a bit of a task.
3. And whilst you’re in the toilet, you become best friends with every other drunk girl at the basins.
4. And you end up complimenting absolutely everything about each other even if you don’t mean it.
5. And you basically know each others life stories before leaving and completely forgetting the conversation you’ve just had.
6. Once you’ve left the toilets you’ve lost your friends.
7. And you spend the next half an hour just searching round and round the dance floor.
8. But every girl is in tight jeans or a dress and heels and it’s too dark to see their faces.
9. Once you finally find your friends you need to pee again because you broke the seal too early after just one drink.
10. So you end up spending another half an hour trying to find your friends.
11. And whilst doing so every drunk guy who see’s you on your own will attempt to pull you their way.
12. And you have to make up every excuse under the sun to leave.
13. You’ve told at least 10 guys you have a boyfriend, or are engaged, even if you don’t/aren’t.
14. And then you see the same guy after your friend and end up being a third wheel.
15. You drink way too much way too early and have to spend half an hour outside before you can even think about dancing.
16. And once you finally do start dancing you’ve missed all the songs you know, and awkwardly mime along to the ones you don’t, trying not to spill your drink everywhere as you do.
17. You get way too into dancing and start to question if you’re doing it right.
18. And end up examining everyone else on the dance floor and realising you’re definitely not doing it right.
19. So you awkwardly carry on and look even more like a penguin than you did before.
20. Every drink order has to be repeated at least 3 times because you can’t hear a damn thing.
21. And once you do have a drink and are asked to pay you’re left thinking “HOW MUCH?!”
22. Before you know it you’ve spent all your money on shots and realise the only way you’re going to get more is talking to the guy next to you.
23. But by that time you’re too wasted to even stand up properly.
24. In fact you can never stand up properly in those stupid heels.
25. WHY DO WE WEAR THESE THINGS?! THEY JUST KILL OUR FEET!
26. But then we realise it’s okay because they make our legs look good.
27. But all that’s irrelevant because it’s nearly the end of the night and you just don’t look good.
28. You decide to leave a little earlier to avoid the rush to the cloakrooms.
29. But apparently everyone else in the club has had the same idea.
30. You have barely any money left and need to get a taxi, but every taxi driver thinks they should be paid a million pounds for a 10 minute drive.
31. But it’s either a million pounds or sleep outside the club for the night.
32. A kebab or pizza or macdonalds is definitely on the menu though, so you have to stop for that first.
33. But that just makes you feel even more sick, and by the time you get to bed you’re one big bloated mess.
34. Everythings chucked on the floor as soon as you get in and you’re out until tomorrow afternoon.
35. You wake up feeling gross.
36. Suffocated by your friends who also just collapsed onto the bed.
37. And you have no money.
38. You tell yourself, “never again”.
39. Until next Saturday, anyway.