I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all of this sooner, and I’m sorry for putting you through so much worry and heartache this year. And I want you to know, just how grateful I am. Not just for everything you’ve done, not just for becoming my carer, and letting me move back home as you waited on me hand and foot; but for being my mum. For being there, even when you feel as though you can’t even be there for yourself.
You always put me first, you always forget about your own illness and focus on everyone else. You’re my biggest inspiration in life, and the best person I know.
When I see you cry, and shout and hurt like you do, unable to escape your thoughts, I never know what to do. I don’t know whether to hug you, or just sit and cry with you. I’ll never be able to understand what you fight against every day of your life, and I won’t pretend to, but I’ll always be here. You’ll always be my favourite person in the world, my best friend.
I’m so sorry for scaring you so much with my illness, and I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I want you to know that all of us kids look up to you. We all wish to be just an ounce like you; so loving, so caring, so beautiful.
I hate the pills you’re forced to rely on, I hate that there’s no way out for you. But I’m thankful that you’re fighting. That you’re here. I know I can’t magic up an exit and make everything okay, but hopefully we can find a side door. I hope you see how much you’re loved and how proud I am to be able to call you “mum”. I hope you realise how much you continue to amaze me, each and every day. I hope you know that people that haven’t nor even tried to comprehend the battles you face on a daily basis are irrelevant. They don’t need to understand because they don’t matter. What matters is you.
I hope you can read this and feel good about yourself, just for a moment. I want you to read this whenever you feel down, whenever you feel like you’ve just had enough. I want you to know that you are the best person I know, and I would do anything to just turn your emotions around forever. To blank your mind and fill it with happy thoughts. I’ve always got your back, no matter how many times you tell me I need to clean my room. I love you mum.
P.S – I’ll always be 2 steps behind.