Wow, a whole two months since I last wrote.
I guess I only come to this page when I feel like writing something a little shorter. That just goes to show my mood. Short. Blunt. Bluntness is normally associated with bad bad moods. Something I’m experiencing today.
It’s not just today though.
I’ve pretty much become a hermit. I don’t want to go out anymore. I don’t want to get up or get dressed. I attempted a night out over the weekend and just got pushed back further.
I can’t be bothered with emotion anymore..
I haven’t written on here for a while because I’ve been more focused on my blog posts. But this recovery diary’s more of a personal place for me, where I don’t really think about what I write, and there’s no limit of length to what I want to post.
It’s been an amazing two weeks writing this blog, and it’s made me feel a lot better about everything in that space of time. Although I’m still having down days, I’m having more positive days than negative. I’ve been back at the flat more which is good for me, it’s giving me more independence and helping me get back on my feet.
My scars healing nicely but I’m feeling a lot of pain, and the skin around my stoma is red raw. I’m trying out different products to help soothe my skin but nothing seems to be working. I’m really hoping it settles down soon because I can’t deal with the itchiness and the tenderness I’m feeling constantly throughout the day.
It’s so strange having people messaging me paragraphs of compliments, calling me an inspiration, thanking me for speaking out. It makes me kind of sad that they have to thank me. I wish everyone could just feel okay with change. Ironically though, I’ve never been good with change. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m dealing with my current change because I have to, because I want to make a difference or because I really am okay with it.
I tell myself I’m okay on a daily basis. I tell all you guys I’m fine and I blog about strength, embracing your body and being proud of what we’re fighting against. You see, all of that is truth. It’s how I feel and it’s what I really do believe in. I currently feel shadowed with guilt for having such negative emotions right now. I’m worried you’ll think I’m denying you the truth of what’s inside my head, but I’m honestly not. I do feel the benefits of what this experience has bought me and I do feel proud of each and every one of us. I really am trying.
I just can’t shake this single sense of loneliness. No matter how much I blog about it, no matter how many people I speak to online, it still dawns on me that I don’t know anybody personally in the same situation. Nobody can sit with me and just hug me and tell me I’ll be okay, like they’ve experienced what I have, like they know how I feel completely; like they know what to say and what to make me think to make it all just become my normality.
Everyone’s telling me I’m doing so well; what with me being in the early stages and all. But what if I’m not doing well? What if I’ve just tried so hard to block out every other emotion, that I’ve become numb to how I’m really feeling? What if one day all of these emotions just comes crashing down on me at once and I don’t know how to deal with it? What if I haven’t given myself time to grieve part of my body? If I suddenly contradict everything I’ve said and become this big mess of a person? What if I’m not okay? What if?
I’m just scared. And sad. And trying. I really am trying.
I stayed back at my flat with my boyfriend for more than a night this week! 3 whole nights without the help of my parents! The aches, soreness and fatigue I am currently experiencing was proved so worth it by the independence I encountered on once again. Although I’m perhaps not completely ready to move back out, it’s one step closer – and that’s all that matters. I’ve just got to keep looking forward.
I also need to stop eating so many sweets! I don’t know why I do this to myself! I tell myself “no you’ll regret this, Nelson won’t like it” but then I do it anyway! (Nelson’s my Ileostomy Bag by the way). I miss salad and fruit so much, my skin is covered in acne and I look pregnant. I don’t know how this low fibre/high salt thing is good for me!
And why am I always tired? I’m so tired right now and it’s 2am but I don’t want to sleep. I hate sleeping lately. It’s almost as if I’m a little scared to sleep; just in case I wake up in pain, or Nelson leaks in the night, or I sleep on him funny…
I am so overtired, can you tell by my ridiculousness?
Is that even a word?
I’m a little bit terrified that I’m going maybe slightly just a little bit insane. I drift in and out of contrasting emotions; so much so that I’m not exactly sure if I feel anything at all anymore.
I’m becoming frustrated with feeling ill. Since being in recovery I have had a virus and a cold, which is causing my stomach to swell even more with the constant coughing and sneezing. I’m finding it hard to sleep, only managing to maintain around 4 – 6 hours sleep a night. Waking up throughout the night to drain my bag is becoming a little annoying – especially when I’m half asleep. They say to stop eating at least 2 hours before I want to sleep, but when I can’t sleep and I’m starving hungry 24/7 because of these dreadful steroids, I can’t seem to find the will power to tell myself “no”. And yes… I know that’s my own fault!
Yesterday I cut my hair. I’m not really sure why, I’m not very good at stuff like that. I just felt kind of down and thought, ‘maybe I’d feel better if I changed my look?’. The cut isn’t too accurate and I mean, I’m no hairdresser but you know what? I feel good. I actually feel kinda happy whilst looking in the mirror today! The bloating and continuous nausea I’m experiencing lately is not killing my mood for once!
In my last post I wrote about telling myself I’m beautiful, seeing how it makes me feel and noting one thing I like about myself every day. I haven’t been online as much the past couple of days so I’m going to start this side project now! (I must confess I’m in bed and cannot be bothered to move so I’m just going to use my webcam).
How it felt when I told myself I was beautiful…
It felt good. It felt really good actually. I’m not sure if it’s exactly true yet but I feel positive. I’m making progress.
Something I like about myself today…
Duh… MY DAMN HAIR!
Tonight I’m staying with my best friend, and I am going to be having a glass of wine! I cannot waaaait. I really need it too. My relationship sort of fell apart last night. So much screaming and crying. I ended up throwing a cup of tea in anger and drenching myself in it – not planned. I was actually hoping it would cover him but hey ho. I said some pretty nasty things too. I really don’t realise how nasty I can be sometimes. I just feel so angry and feel like there’s such a lack of support. I feel like we’ve completely disconnected and of course I blame it on the bag. Although it’s not, it’s probably a little deeper than that, I still can’t help but think if I didn’t have this bag maybe he’d love me a little more. I’m starting to question if he’s stopped finding me attractive. I mean I must put him off now right? How would I feel if I were him? But then I think, why am I even bothered? If he doesn’t like me now because of something I can’t control, then he’s obviously not a man.
Am I still attractive though? I mean I look in the mirror and I see myself but I see the bag first… I don’t want it to be like that. I want it to seem like an accessory, something that’s just kind of… there. When am I going to look in the mirror and feel okay with what’s looking back at me? Is it always going to be like this? I just want to like myself again…
So I had a little bit of a break down last night. My boyfriend works in a bar and couldn’t get Valentine’s off so we celebrated it last night. We ended up getting fish and chips for dinner, as I didn’t feel ready to go out and neither of us wanted to cook. I ordered cod, chips and mushy peas – all foods I thought would be easy to digest. The food wasn’t very hot, a little bit of an issue for me as now that I have to chew everything a million times before swallowing, by the time I finished the food it would be freezing cold! I tried the cod and it was just too chewy, and it was full of bones – something else that is a little bit of a risk if I accidentally swallowed one. I attempted to eat it but I just could not break it down in my mouth, which frustrated me even more. I pushed my plate away and said I couldn’t eat it. This annoyed my boyfriend as he’d gone out in the rain to get it and used the last of his money to buy it. (He’s currently paying most of the rent whilst I’m off work). I just broke down. I felt so bad, like I’d ruined the night. This then led to me blaming the bag. It upset me that I had to be so picky about food and that it takes so much effort to eat something that isn’t just mush. I cried so hard until my fake eyelashes fell off! It seems so silly and I see that now but all I wanted was normality. I would’ve loved to have dressed in a pretty dress and be taken out for dinner, or to have ordered a takeaway I didn’t have to worry about. I just wanted a nice Valentines with my boyfriend but I felt like I couldn’t because of the bag. I didn’t want to ruin his night. I really flipped out. I felt like he didn’t get it. I mean, he doesn’t get it. I ended up hitting him and screaming at him. Yeah, really great Valentines. Luckily he let me fall into his arms and just sob. Now that’s what you call a good boyfriend. And then he went back out in the rain and bought me steak pie and made it with mash and gravy. Easy eating. I really appreciated that. I really appreciate him. Fish and chips really wasn’t worth crying over.
Feeling pretty down at the moment. Attempted to online shop because all my other clothes are too uncomfortable on my stomach at the moment, but everything is either too tight looking, expensive or not my style. Everything I want to buy I know will just look stupid because of the bag. Everything seems to be cropped too. I guess I’ll just where my duvet.
It’s a week tomorrow since I left the hospital but the weeks been filled with cold. It genuinely feels like someone has just rammed a chainsaw down my throat. It doesn’t help that I don’t always have a pillow to hand when my chest goes crazy; meaning my stomach is really feeling it. I woke up this morning to a really swollen abdomen, especially around my scar, it must be from all the coughing, there has been so much strain around the scar from it. I’m drowning my sorrows in chocolate even though I know I’ll probably regret it. One because my body doesn’t react well to it and two because I’m terrified of putting on weight. I don’t want to put on weight and have more reason to shy away from the mirror.
The response I have had since opening up about my operation has been phenomenal. I’m hoping it will help me deal with everything a little more. I think maybe I just need time. I have this annoying habit of rushing everything and jumping ahead of myself before I have time to really think about things. I hope this isn’t one of those things. I hope I can embrace this as much as I want to. I hope this will be the making of me.
Tip – Lemon and Ginger tea is amaaaazing for throats and tummys. Really good for nausea and fills you up. I used to drink coffee religiously but I am a little bit sceptical about the caffeine so haven’t attempted to drink it with the bag yet. But this tea is caffeine free and so yummy with 2 sugars. Very healthy also (probably healthier without the sugar).
Currently struggling. Thought it would strengthen my mind letting the world know. Assumed it meant I was a strong person. Hoped it would help me deal with it if there was nothing to hide. I feel disgusting. It doesn’t help that everything I eat makes me feel even worse. Or the fact my appetite is so big lately that it is making me binge on the worst foods. Another tub of ice cream down, I’ll be the size of a house before long. And up and down to the bathroom most of the night. I just want to feel okay.